to dad… with love?

Dad… a son’s first hero… a daughter’s first love…

Mine was also my first heart break… he taught me it’s safer to be in love with love itself than to be in love with a person…

I remember the days I used to walk standing on his feet, my carefree laughs as he held,strong, my streched hands… I remember looking into his laughing eyes,feeling safe,secure and most of all like a princess…his princess.Sadly it also reminds me of the day I held to those very legs and begged him not to leave us and go…

Through hunger,humiliation,desparation i waited…for I loved him,trusted him…beleived every dream he made me dream… blind to all his flaws…

He came back years later and turned my world upside down again… then began the next phase of a relation.I started seeing him,not with the eyes of an innocent girl but with the analytical vision of a teenager. I saw his shortcomings, his failings,his false ideologies,his pretenses,his follies…

and then I married…a man whom I made sure was nothing like my dad. who was earth where my dad was fire,who was stability where my dad was volatile,who promised settlement where my dad promised nomadic wanderings, who lived by fulfilling promises where my dad by breaking them… I was happy for i dissappointed my dad …i was happy that I didn’t soar great heights like what he wanted me to but settled ,with both feet on ground, just to dissappoint him… I wanted to prove that I CARE NOT and I AM NOT…

Now every day is a fight,sad that after years of struggle,I still have to fight. The fight is not to suppress all the ways in which i am similar to him but to see what I have missed in my life by striving not to be like him…

why couln’t you be there for me, in all those moments that i wanted you to hold my hand? why were you not there for me when I wanted someone to unconditionally tell i had the capacity to soar great heights?

Dad… you have no idea what you are missing… what you threw away when you left us… I wish another time another world i want a father who is and would always remain my ‘first love’… who would give any man who were to come to my life a tough competition… a man i would always look upto… a man i would always find by me… a man who doesn’t break his daughter’s heart…

In life it is not easy to love or hate a person,there is always a grey area… sometimes to hate someone is the only way to tell others how much they mean to you…  every day is an effort ‘not to fall in love with the adventurous man (my thoughts)who says in life there are no rights and wrongs…’  for all the daughters who try hard not to love their dads,check this link:   http://www.fromdatestodiapers.com/50-rules-for-dads-of-daughters

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