Do tears have a soul?

I don’t know why in life everything has to be a beautiful inconvenience? I had always wanted an arranged marriage, safe,settled family,a strong husband…when destiny made me fall in love,I quickly re-routed my plans… thought, what greater joy than building a life together? sweat and love,brick by brick…

now years later, life is at yet another crossroads…nothing that I ever do is right…I have no time for husband,son or anyone else in the family…they accuse me for being obssesed with my carreer… at office i am only making excuses to squeez time for my family…I don’t enjoy my work… i am never happy because what i have in my hands now are not the same that i wanted when i started my life…

every day, it is a struggle to balance a work that demands taking care of hundreds of kids in my care and a family which has only me to take care.God!!! love hurts!!! A man can NEVER understand a woman leave alone LOVE like her.

These days I just hug my son tight and cry myself to sleep… what a lousy hopeless mom…god people should never make kids unless they are stinking rich and are settled… There are even times when I have thought I will take him and run away and show people you can bring up kids with the bare minimum finances and heaps and heaps of love and togetherness…but why don’t I just say all this to him? you will not understand… its a matter of soul… my right might hurt his soul his right might cause my soul to bleed our wrongs ,i am afraid might ruin the soul of a beautiful relation that we cherish… life gal!who said was simple…its the same strange love story this ‘dangerously handsome man(my thoughts) if expressed might hurt or even destroy the innocent girl(me and my loved ones)’ so let it be the way it is…

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to dad… with love?

Dad… a son’s first hero… a daughter’s first love…

Mine was also my first heart break… he taught me it’s safer to be in love with love itself than to be in love with a person…

I remember the days I used to walk standing on his feet, my carefree laughs as he held,strong, my streched hands… I remember looking into his laughing eyes,feeling safe,secure and most of all like a princess…his princess.Sadly it also reminds me of the day I held to those very legs and begged him not to leave us and go…

Through hunger,humiliation,desparation i waited…for I loved him,trusted him…beleived every dream he made me dream… blind to all his flaws…

He came back years later and turned my world upside down again… then began the next phase of a relation.I started seeing him,not with the eyes of an innocent girl but with the analytical vision of a teenager. I saw his shortcomings, his failings,his false ideologies,his pretenses,his follies…

and then I married…a man whom I made sure was nothing like my dad. who was earth where my dad was fire,who was stability where my dad was volatile,who promised settlement where my dad promised nomadic wanderings, who lived by fulfilling promises where my dad by breaking them… I was happy for i dissappointed my dad …i was happy that I didn’t soar great heights like what he wanted me to but settled ,with both feet on ground, just to dissappoint him… I wanted to prove that I CARE NOT and I AM NOT…

Now every day is a fight,sad that after years of struggle,I still have to fight. The fight is not to suppress all the ways in which i am similar to him but to see what I have missed in my life by striving not to be like him…

why couln’t you be there for me, in all those moments that i wanted you to hold my hand? why were you not there for me when I wanted someone to unconditionally tell i had the capacity to soar great heights?

Dad… you have no idea what you are missing… what you threw away when you left us… I wish another time another world i want a father who is and would always remain my ‘first love’… who would give any man who were to come to my life a tough competition… a man i would always look upto… a man i would always find by me… a man who doesn’t break his daughter’s heart…

In life it is not easy to love or hate a person,there is always a grey area… sometimes to hate someone is the only way to tell others how much they mean to you…  every day is an effort ‘not to fall in love with the adventurous man (my thoughts)who says in life there are no rights and wrongs…’  for all the daughters who try hard not to love their dads,check this link:   http://www.fromdatestodiapers.com/50-rules-for-dads-of-daughters

Y change me…?

Life is all about moments.Moments when i doubted myself… when nothing’s the way it should be. You feel life, like a fist full of sand, sifts through your clenched fists.More and more you lose the tighter you try to hold…Then I tell myself ‘why not change me’…why be different? why fight?why strive to carve a niche? why not let go…let it be…

Moments when the free spirit in me awakens…when nothing’s going the way I want it to but still I feel one with the universe… when the spirit in me is so light it almost lets me soar great heights…I feel nothing and everything….I tell myself ‘why the hell change me?’…why not be different?why not be weird?why not be passionate?why not break…dare…set free…? one life… one moment… one me then Y change me…?

I am in love… in love with a quaint me… and this blog is a love story between an innocent girl(me) and a free spirited courageous man(my thoughts)… read and experience the desperation,the passion,the triumphs,the tribulations and the uniqueness… might be you will find one of yours too…